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Vampires...Literally!

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charismasantora @ 07:33 pm: The World You Love-Prologue
This is something I've been working on for a while and I would LOVE to have some people besides my friends and family read it. I've written over 100 pages so far, but for now I'm just posting the prologue. The title is very tentative, as are all the chapter titles. They're all taken from songs.
There's a very heavy Buffy influence on my book, because I originally thought of it as sort of a spin-off from that show. (I didn't use any people from Buffy though, the characters are all original.)
Anyway, here's the prologue, and I'll post the first chapter soon.
She had almost given up. She had been at the high school for over two years and not a single student had struck her as a possibility. She was beginning to think that all high schoolers were the same: they were either too weak or too stuck up. The shy, deep kids, who were hesitant about everything and seemed to be waiting for someone to give their life true meaning, would have been perfect…if they hadn’t been too frail to carry anything heavier than their schoolbooks, and too meek to stand up to a fly. They’d clearly never be able to handle the task. But the kids whose bodies were tough enough to handle it were so cocky and self-centered, it was difficult to imagine them putting their lives on the line for anyone.
There came a point when she wondered whether she should search somewhere else. She couldn’t leave this town, of course, but she could look for someone outside of the high school; it could be that no teenager was fit for the job...and yet she had been a teenager when it had all started for her… No, it had to be a teenager. But it seemed that not a single adolescent in the entire town of Brooksdale was mentally and physically strong enough to handle the task she had in mind.
And then, right into her second period General Science class came a girl that could have been sent from above.
Charisma Santora was by no means angelic. She obviously had a very good heart, but she could also be nasty. She was perfect. Charisma was different from her peers; she had clearly known suffering, and because of that her maturity surpassed that of most high schoolers. She was no tomboy, but she wasn’t in the least prissy either. She was full of love, compassion, and most importantly, strength; and on the day that her Science teacher sat her down and told her that vampires were real and were responsible for the horrible deaths that occurred in their small town, Charisma Santora agreed to change the course of her life entirely, and to dedicate herself to stopping the enigmatic monsters that plagued the inhabitants of Brooksdale, California.

Current Mood: okayokay
Current Music: Lightness - Death Cab For Cutie

Comments

[User Picture]
From:blaze_rusty
Date:December 12th, 2007 02:45 am (UTC)

Hey

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Sounds good! I would love to read more!!! Well written and attention capturing, its great!!! =D When will you post chapter 1? *is waiting eagerly to read more*
From:charismasantora
Date:December 12th, 2007 03:08 am (UTC)

Re: Hey

(Link)
Soon! I actually have it written, but I need to do a little bit of editing. And come up with a chapter title.
I'm so glad you like!
[User Picture]
From:blaze_rusty
Date:December 12th, 2007 03:44 am (UTC)

Re: Hey

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O.o Chapter Titles? Hahaha, I never bother with those, I am so lazy lol. Yes, you said that you've got *reads again* 100 pages written! Thats amazing!!! Im terrible, I get up to around 50 pages and decide its silly and start anew lol.
Of course I like, hehe, it sounds good! And well written!!!! =D

Take Care,

~BR~
[User Picture]
From:kara_noir
Date:September 2nd, 2009 07:31 pm (UTC)
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I haven't read the rest of the comments, this is my first impression of the piece.

I think that you wrote it well. I think that it gets across that something big is going to happen, again, and that this might be one of those things that happen a lot.

I think that the pacing is...too fast. I see that there is some sort of conflict that is very interesting and this is the subject that the character is thinking about. I see that she needs someone to carry on whatever this is. it encompasses too much time.

I think that maybe you should make it more relateable. Right now we see a very far away look at the situation. I think that maybe if you put it into a "here we are moment" - that it'd be better. Where the main character confronts Charisma at lunch, the last line before chapter 1 could be "Your it" and you leave off with Charisma a bit confused, and then chapter one takes us back as to how the main character decided upon Charisma.

I like it. I think you did a good job. but take us into it, this view doesn't make me care about what the characters are feeling. I want to skip this and get on to the rest of it. If this were a book I was contemplating in the book store, I'd probably put it down.

Keep working on it. I hope you continue this piece.
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